Life — June 14, 1929 — page 26: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

24 a ee x <p ae be ae “sitiat ae « ae For Sale! RAND NEW THIRTY-FOOT B BOAT—ONLY BEEN DRIVEN (if that’s what you call it) FIFTY MILES, MORE OR LESS. COST $900 (Down Payment) WILL SELL TO ANYONE WHO WILL TAKE OVER MONTHLY PAYMENTS OF $133.33. Ship Ahoy! Here, little readers, is the chance of a lifetime, a genuine bargain... here is a little boat that will positively do everything but talk... it will roll over and play dead (on the slight- est provocation) stand on its hind legs, (in fact that’s all it does when it runs) and eat right out of your hand, or, I should say, eat you out of house and home . . . it is made of beautiful red polished mahogany and when you are not using it nautically, so to speak, (which is most of the time) you can turn it upside down and it makes a dandy bar, that is, if your friends will furnish the liquor, which you will find they won't . . . the engine heats up in no time at all and you can fry eggs on it, cook coffee or anything you've a mind to, if you're hungry, and you know how hungry the salt air makes one! Shiver My Timbers! If you are one of those cold shower fiends, here is the very boat for you as it gives you the dandiest shower (when it’s running) you ever saw ... after a rollicking ride in the Leaping Lena (my pet name for it— you ought to hear the other ones!) you will be dripping wet with excite- ment and salt water and your hair will be all of a curl . . . did you ever slide down a long flight of stairs sitting down, you, I mean, not the stairs . . . well that’s the very effect you'll get in my high powered speed boat, that is if you buy it, and I certainly hope you will, you little reader, you. Avast There! Why, Lena steers so easily that a child could run it, if her parents, or his parents would let him, or her, and they would certainly be awfully foolish if they did, unless, of course, they wanted to be rid of the litle darling, which I know they don’t . . . anyway, just to show you how simple it is, and how good I was at it, a commit- tee representing the United Boatsmen of Long Island, or something like that, called upon me and offered me a huge sum of money if I would con- fine my aquatic activities to some other district, preferably San Francisco Bay, or say the Bay of Fundy, or Gibraltar, or Baffin, or—oh, Bayhave! . . . well, anyway, to make a short story long and fill this column, they said that be- fore I appeared on Long Island Sound in my high powered Juggernaut there were two thousand odd boats and that, owing to my naive way of speeding playfully into other skiffs amidships, there were now thirty-five hundred boats, or fragments. Cast the Jib! T also forgot to mention that I will throw in, gratis, one perfectly good white (well, almost white) yachting hat, or cap, one pair of very swanky white (well, almost white) duck trou- sers (still wet and slightly wrinkled) one blue serge coat (slightly covered with oil spots) and one pair of nice white (well, almost white) yachting shoes... there are also four water soaked cushions, several empty bottles, one empty can of saltines, one empty jar of peanut butter, one empty seltzer bottle, one book of Seaman’s Instruc- tions, one log book, one half empty can of Mobile Oil C, several loose hair- pins, one copy of Conrad’s “Typhoon,” one copy of Stevenson's “Treasure Is- land,” one road map from New York to Chicago, one life preserver (also water soaked) and I think there’s one passenger still in the boat unless he woke up and went home! Manna-About-Town The bird who went to a Masquerade Ball dressed as a sailor (you see, we're still nautical) and woke up to find a taxi driver shaking him, and found he had been taken out to the Brook. lyn Navy Yard... the new inkwell trick ... bet a friend, or rather, an enemy, that he can’t stand behind an open door and, with his fingers through the crevice, hold an inkwell . . . well, in other, and simpler words, he can't stand in the corner behind an open door and stick his fingers through the opening by the hinge and hold an ink- well . . . the big idea is to hand him the inkwell and then let the poor sap stand there . . . the latest—tooth pull- ing clubs . . . people who haven't the nerve to go alone to the dentist dub together and make a party of it. Yes, Yes, Go On! The Rio Ritas at Little Gus's .. rye, cream and nutmeg . . . the place to see pretty gels . . . the N. Y. Yacht club dock at the foot of twen y-fourth street... the standees that sit at the Carnegie ‘Hall concerts (Yes, I go to concerts) .. . the gyp taxi drivers in front of the Astor praying for rain « the blind man on Broadway with the gold rimmed spectacles . . . the new narrow brimmed panama_ has which set you back five hundred dd- lars... the line Sam Schwartz uss in advertising the Dome—“Celebrities are the usual thing at the Dome, but SURPRISE NIGHT, Thursday, bring: more than the usual. You'll exclaim; “Well of all people!” and blase sophis ticates will perk up!” ...1 think Tl bs down some Wednesday night. “Tex” Guinan has moved her gang out to Hoffman's old place on the Merrick Road, where she is billed s “The Joan of Arc of Broadway” + Well, of all people! . . . new mixture—Mission Orange Dry. comicbooks.com