Happy Days: A Paper for Young Americans — page 9: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

. o oaaere a 2 ata me tole T This story commenced in No, 125, TONY THE TORMENT; KEEPING THE VILLAGE ALIVE. By TOM TEASER, Author of ‘** Muldoon in Search of a Cousin,” ‘* Mortimer Merry,” ‘‘ Fred Frol- lick,” **Our Willie,” ‘* Muldoon in Chicago,” etc., ete. PART V. ‘That'll dew ye,” snickered Si Higgins, For a minute there threatened to be a| ‘‘ but we seen ye, all the same,” between those two old girls, hoped there would be. regular scra he crow Foggs sniffed. ** H’m!” he said, ‘* Everybody knows that They were getting so that they liked ex- | you’re the biggest liar in town, Higgins,” citement, Tony wanted to see the fun too, SSS |) | me alll | Hi A ——— —————— —————————— | ill Ne : ' insil “a OT a a a) | iit } hh ( ( AN ' ' 4 = —T. — =| a | (iio | rr . | | ni nnn ii avert MENTING.” | | | HHL } : , | (i { i } } | ay tt | ip / Hil HTT | . eee ' | : - ; 1 | ! ~y " | : y | | —< <* . — : et > - we iti) S$ a —— +. . "i j ry ; ‘ 4 ‘ Wii Hii ' f : ; I ; er } if ; : x yh wt N, \ Any i} till Hii 7 | i} ' ; } | : ’ } ‘* Mebby I be,” returned Higgins, not at all abashed, “* but we seen ye, fur all thet,” a_ | TALON ‘ i Hi . \\ ; \\ ‘ - P i if \\\\\ \\\ : i} eH! ‘* FURTHER. H I CAN'T SEE ’EM,” The old fellow’s obstinacy simply aroused theirs, and it became a question of who could hold out the longest. Somebody told the widow that Foggs denied having ever met her, or started to present her with a bunch of flowers. **Oh, he does, does he?’ snorted Sours, ** Well, I didn’t get ’em, certainly, because he was blind and mistook that dried-up old maid forme, Must have been blind to take herfor me! He intended to give me the roses anyhow, and that’s enough for I s’pose he’ll deny he serenaded me ** He does.” *“Oh, he does? Well, I'll give him a chance to tell his story in court next, and we'll see if he’ll deny things that every- body knows there, If he does, he’s a bigger liar and a braver man than I think he is,” Things promised to be pretty lively for Foggs if they went on as they had been going. wae a oh iii ele Hii wih THT se i att mnt ; i] ii Se . a’ 22 “i wy | ee fy ) ») pa . = TAT + , | it \ \ \ \ _— : XR | x fi : i = " 7 — 325555 it!" “PUT OUT YOUR TONGUES!” ‘“ YAS’R, BUT WHA’ FO’ YO’ DOES DAT?” ‘“*puT OUT YOUR TONGUE I TELL YOU. I'M EXPERI- OUT CAME THE TWO TONGUES, THOSE TWO GULLS NEARLY CHOKED IN THEIR EFFORTS TO GET THEIR TONGUES FURTHER OUT. He didn’t dare wget however, “You give me them ruses,” said the widow. ‘IT won’t do it!” snapped Betsey Ann, ‘‘ They were meant for me.” “Then why didn’t you get ’em ? * ** Because Mr. Foges lost his glasses, ** Well, he found his senses!” = oe ‘** When he hasn’t his glasses, he’s blind.’ ‘‘ He must be blind to think anything of ou!” 4 ** Don’t you talk like that to me, Betsey Ann Perkins!’ ‘‘ You can’t stop me talking, Sarah Jane Sours!” ‘* Them’s my roses.” ** Let’s see you get ’em,” The crowd laughed, And made remarks, The circus was just fun to them, Mrs. Sours stuck up her nose, ‘‘ Keep the roses,” she said, “I can get lots more where those came from,” Then she walked off with a triumphant look, The old maid didn’t mind that so long as she had secured the roses. The next time the crowd saw Foggs they guyed him most unmercifully. It didn’t make any difference his pegs ing that he had given roses to the old maid, They had all seen him do it and now he was simply trying to crawl. oggs on his part declared that they were all liars and had made up the story for campaign purposes. ‘*T wouldn't go near a woman, much less give her roses,’ he snorted. ‘I wouldn’t care if there wasn’t a woman in town,” ** Of course we did,” put in Bill Porter. ‘**T was there myself,” Seng old bachelor wouldn't give in even en, ** Huh! ed | knows that you're half cracked,” he said to Bill. “You just imagined it.” ** But I didn't imagine it,” said the store- keeper, ‘I was there and saw the whole business,” Still Foggs would not He was an obstinate old duffer, **Oh, rats!” he said, ‘ You’re backing up Higgins and Porter so as to keep their trade. I know you. You'd lie to save a cent mt day.” ** Well, the judge and the doctor andthe deacon saw you, and they’ll say the same thing!” snorted the other, getting mad. ** 'Wouldn’t believe any of ’em,” returned Foggs. ‘I know whatIdo and what I don’t do, and nobody can persuade me that I did a thing that I know I didn’t, and that settles it!” ive up his case, It settled it only as far as he was con-| cerned, It did not settle it with the rest, They had seen certain things, or be- lieved that they had, and the evidence of their senses was all the evidence they wanted, The more Foggs denied the thing the more they thought he was lying, Or if he wasn’t lying, he was trying to crawl to keep from being made fun of, If he had acknowledged the corn in the first place, or had said nothing about it, he wouldn't have got it so bad, The jokers would have laughed a little, and would have then let it go at that, About this time the doctor had to go off to the other end of town to perform a difficult surgical operation, which would take him pretty nearly all day to get through with, His wife happened to be busy when he left the house and knew nothing about it, Tony did, however, The patien&sent his own carriage for the doctor, and that’s why Joe did not have to go away as he usually did. In fact, Joe knew nothing of the affair, being busy in the barn at the time, Tony was the only one who got on to his father’s going away. During the forenoon he fixed himself up as the od gentleman and went into the office. Patients might call, as they sometimes did, and he wanted to have some fun, Lots of persons called on the doctor who were not really sick, and Tony knew this, He had seen them lots of times, and knew that his father just humbugged them to keep their practice, If anybody called who was really ill, Tony meant to get out of it somehow. Well, he made himself up as the doctor and went into the office. He did not have long to wait before there was a call, It proved to be from Mrs, Sours, who came in looking very gay. She wasn’t sick at all, but she thought she was, Perhaps she wanted an excuse to be with mes Tony saw her he chuckled to him- self, ** Here’sa picnic, brass band, merry-go- rounds, lemonade, ice cream, swings, kiss- ing games and all,” he thought, ‘**Oh, doctor, I feel so ill!” chirped the widow, as she flopped into a chair, ** H’m, you do ed doctor. ‘* What seems to be the matter with you?” a I don't: know, but I feel awfully sick, ** Anything in the nature of magnum bonum or lapsus linguae, my dear madam? bce eam are quite prevalent now-a- ays. ** Dear me, you don’t say so, doctor ?” ** Yes, quite so, Anything like either of them ?” ‘** Well, no. I guess not, but I feel awful sick,” and the silly old girl groaned and looked like a sick cat. ‘* H’m! perhaps it’s a case of non sequi- tur, or of non compos mentis, or of e pluri- bus unum, They are all rather danger- ous, *“Oh, dear, do you think so?” cackled the widow, alarmed by the supposed doc- tor’s,Latin, which was really meaningless, but which greatly rattled her. I didn’t think it was anything so bad as that.” “Wait a moment and I'll tell you just what it is,” said the bogus doctor, looking wise, ‘“‘I think I know,” ; Chen he got down a book and looked in- oO it. ‘* H’m, you don't sleep weil ?” ** No, I don’t, doctor.” She lied, for she could discount the Seven Sleepers, and always had to be called a dozen times in the morning. **Ha, don't eat much, either, do you?’ asked Tony, severely, glaring from the book to the patient. : ‘**No, doctor, I don’t, scarcely anything.” There she lied again, for she ate like a horse, Why, even that morning she had eatena dish of ham and eggs, a saucer of oatmeal, a fried fish, some warmed over beans and four slices of bread, and had taken three cups of coffee, The doctor seemed to want her to say she had no appetite, and so she did, *‘ H'm, h’m!”and the pretended physician looked more owlishly solemn than ever. “Is ita very bad case, doctor?” whined the widow, ‘IT think so, Put out your tongue,” The widow ran out about three inches of red tongue, She had lots more than that. That would do forastarter, she thought. _ “Ha, justas E thought. You have the ignis fatuus, I'll show you just what I mean,” Then the imitation medico thumped the bell for Joe, the colored factotum., In came that worthy in a short time, * Jew ring fo’ me, sah ?” “Yes,” and the doctor got up. ** Stand up,” he said to the widow. The widow stood, ‘*Put out your tongue,” the doctor said to Joe, ** But Lisn’ sick, doctah,” ‘** Put out your tongue, I say.” Out it came, ‘“* Further out,” Joe ran out aninch or so more of tongue, ‘There, you can see his tongue, can't you?’ She couldn’t very well help seeing it, there was so much, ‘**But he hasn’t gotall those things, has he, doctor?” asked she, “No, and I'm going to show you the dif- ference, Put out your tongue.’ She 45 it out again, ; The false physician stood between the wo, He had a long lead pencil in his hand and looked solemn, First he rapped Joe’s tongue with the» pencil, | ** Ouch!” Then he whacked the widow's, but not so hard, ** Ouch!” **Put out your tongues!” ** Yas’r, but wha’ fo’ yo’ does dat ?” “Put out your tonguel tell you. I’m experimenting.” “Out came the two tongues, - *“*Further, I can’t see 'em.” Those two gulls nearly choked in their efforts to get their tongues further out, Then Tony whacked them both again, ** Wow!” said Joe, **Ouch!” said Sours, “There! You will observe the difference, If you had said ‘ wow,’ I would have known that you were all right.” “Is it very bad to say ‘Ouch,’ doctor?” sniveled the widow. ‘* Put out your tongue—away out!” The widow complied, ‘“* Put out yours, you black villain!” Joe complied also, % H'm! Now I will try another experi- ment,” said Tony, glaring at the two who were looking fixedly at him, their tongues extended to the limit, Joe began co shake, The widow groaned, * Put out your tongue!” “Golly, Marse Doctah, I’se got it o’t as : far as I kin,” EComiIicboo eh !” snorted the suppos- ' cS CO