The Mysteries of London, Vol. IV — page 341: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

336 “Map! Yes—that was the last word that I wrote yosterday—I suppuso it must havo been yesterday— when I s0 hastily concealed my papers, on hearing some one approach the door. I remember that full well! Yes—it was an elderly man, witha mild and benevolent countenance — dressed in black, with linen beautifully white—ond with a massive chain and seals. I looked at him well: but I knew him not. I do not think that I ever saw him before. He sate down by my side—felt my pulse—and asked me several questions. Ah! a thought flashes tomy mind: that good old gontleman isadoctor. And now,—yes—I think I can recollect it all,—I abused him—I insulted him very grossly ;—and then some men ontered and compelled me to go to bed. They undressed mo by force. I struggled against thom ; but it was usoless. “Oh! what does it all mean? Why those men to coerce me ?—why that doctor to attend upon me?—and why those bars at the window? Gra- cious God! it cannot be—no—no—the horriblo thoucht—— “Yos: it must be so—I am really mad! * * x x « x * . * * 2 “Again I sit down, calmly and tranquilly, to write. JI have weighed well my condition—hayo asked myselfa thousand questions—haye read what I havo written above—havo striven to recolicct all the past—havo carefully oxamined the present— and have dared to think of the future. By all this —and by the bars at the window-—-I know that I am iad s “Yes; but I can write tho word now without growing excited; and I must practise writing it again, so that I may by dogrees gather to my aid such an amount of solf-possession as to bo ablo to traco on this paper all that has occurred to me. Then shall I possess a positive memorial—a sub- stantial key to the past; and should I again forget, in an interval of delirium, all that has occurred. I can specdily recommit the mournful history to my memory during a lucid interval like tho prosent, “ Mad—mad—mad—mad! There-—-now I can write tho word without tho least excitement; and this is a triumph already achioved. By gaining a complete and accurate knowledge of my real po-. sition, I shall know how to act. J am aware that Tam in a lunatic asylum: Iam also awaro that I have passed through intorvals of foarful delirium. But I must compose mysclf as much as possible. I cannot remain in this horrible place ;—and if I cannot become really sane again, I may at all events pretend to be so—and then they will let mo out. But in order to regain my intellects, or appear to recover my reason, I must remember all that has occurred to me, so as to be enabled to converse calmly and sensibly on the subject. Stay! I will think-—I will reflect profoundly for the rest of the day; and to-morrow I will resume my pen. “ God forbid that the doctor or his men—or that prying old housekeeper, should look into the ward- robe! I would not lose my manuscript for worlds, e * » * & * * June 13th, 1846. « ¥ have learnt the day of the month. Thedoctor has beon with me for an hour; and he readily com- plied with my request to be furnished with an al- manack, He told me that this is the 13th of June; —_ a | . sede... | Shee eS ee ee | THE MYSTERIES OF LONDON, : —_— and henceforth I hope I shall be enabled to kezp | tho dates accurately. When I was at school—but that is many years ago!—I used to mako an alma- nack to calculate how long it was to tho holidays; and every evoning I scratched out tho day that had just passed. Oh! happy—happy age of boyhood— wilt thou never come back? hast thou gono for ever? Now must I eraso each day as it passes, and hope that the poriod of my release is near at hand. That shall be the holiday of my manhood, to which I must look forward with such anxious—fervid— burning hope! But to my narrative. “A hundred thousand pounds became mine on the day that I attained my majority, That was nine years avo! J was my own master: my parents had long beon dead—and my guardians attempted not even to advise mo—much less control me. They wore not rolations—mere men of business to whom my fortune had been intrusted, with a viow to its accumulation. The momont I became possessed of that wealth, I plunged headlong into tho vortex of pleasure. Heavens! in what dissipation did I indulge. Who could drink deepor than J, and walk home steadily afterwards ?—who was moro sought after and caressed amongst tho fair sex ?—who was a moro constant attondant at raco-courses, gaming- houses, and the haunts of fashionable vice and aristo- cratic debauchery? Fool that Iwas! Timaginod that to spend money profuscly, was to enjoy life largely. I had three mistrosses at the samo timo,—throe women, having cach a separato establishment, main- tained at my cost! What wore the consequences ? At five-and-twenty my constitution was nearly ruined, and cighty thousand pounds of my fortuno had been oxpended. Tho very principles of my existence seemed to be undermincd—discase was gnawing at my vitals—an unbroken carcer of the wildest dissipation was hurrsing me, with race- horse speod, to the tomb | “Suddenly I awoke, as froma dream. But it wwas pot because remorse touched me,—nor because good counsels wero proffered me,—nor because somo latent feelings of virtue sprang into existence. Neither was it bocauso my fortuno was nearly wasted and my health failing rapidly. No: but it was becauso I at that epoch saw my Editha for tho first timo! Oh! how can I retain my calmness now, when I think of her as I then boheld her,— beheld her in all the glory of her matchicss beauty—radiant with that loveliness that seemed to surround her with the halo that only angels have! Yes—I was then twenty-five, and Ediths Greville was nincteen—that delightful age whon the female figure swolls into womanly loveliness —round, full, and exquisitely modelled | “We loved—almost at first sight; and though soveral weeks passed ere I ventured to declare my passion, I could road in Editha’s eyes that I was far from being displeasing to her. She was an only child; her father was dead; her mother, thoug'y a woman of considorablo wealth, mixed little in so- ciety; and tho wildness of my conduct was not therefore fully known to Mrs. Greville. At the game time, she had heard that I was extravagant and imprudent; but when I implored her to bestow upon me the hand of her daughter, she yielded her assont, expressing a hope that I had sown all my wild oats by that time, and should grow steady ina matrimonial state, Thus was it that I becamo the recognised suitor of Editha; and when some of econmlelooolks (CO)