Joseph Wilmot, or, The Memoirs of a Man-Servant — page 23: what you’re looking at

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10 JOSEPH WILMOT; formance, I rather expected to rective the emphatic approval of Mr. Taddy: but when I presented | him the paper, and he. glanced over its contegts, he burst forth into such an immoderate fit of laughter that I was quite confused. He rolled upon his chair—the tears came into his eyes— again and again did the peals of merriment burst forth ; and if he had been a stout person, instead of the lean, lank individual he was, he would cer- tainly have gone off in a fit of apoplexy. For five good minutes did this uproarious mirth con- tinue; and even when it began to subside, he could only give utterance to his comments upon my caligraphie performance in broken sentences. “ Capital, youngster!” he cried, “nothing could be better. Virtue is commendable :’’ —and here he literally shrieked out with renewed merriment, “ Honesty is the best policy. By Jove! you will kill me with laughing. Integrity is its own re- ward :’—and then his merriment exploded in a perfect roar. ‘“ However, the writing is admira- ble; and that is the essential. The texts, I think, we may dispense with in the circulars we have got to write. They won’t exactly suit the ladies and gentlemen with whom we have to deal. Now, take your pen; and I will smoke a pipe and dictate at the same time.” I scarcely comprehended the meaning of that violent mirth which my lucubrations had produced: but having no reason to be annoyed, inasmuch as it was better to excite laughter than anger, I took my place at the desk and prepared to write. “Now then,’ said Mr. Taddy, “be careful to eross all your #’s and dot all your?’s. Are you ready? Well, begin in this way:—Mr. Thomas Taddy, of No. 3, Ragamuffin Court, Saffron Hill, begs to inform ladies and gentlemen who practise the honourable profession of begging, that he has opened an office of the highest respectability for the register of all announcements, wants, interests, and requirements connected therewith. He be- heves that an establishment of this nature has been long needed in the British metropolis; and in soliciting favours, he will study his best to give perfect satisfaction, Mr. Taddy having much ex- perience in all things regarding the profession. In the first instance, he begs to announce that he has upon his register a number of children to be let out at sixpence a day and their victuals,—some of whom are subject to fits, and will be sure to excite the utmost sympathy. Item, Mr. Taddy contracts to furnish toilets of every description of rags and tatters for male and female. Ladies and gentlemen are requested to imspect the goods. Item, Mr. Taddy has contracted with a lucifer match manufactory for the supply of a thousand boxes weekly: these are warranted, and would be found a most eligible bargain for ladies and gentle- men making their rounds as timber-merchants.” * I had gone on thus far writing in a sort of be- wilderment: but at length it struck me that my new acquaintance was naturally a person of a most humorous character, and that this was a joke in which he was indulging. I therefore laid down my pen and made bold to laugh: whereupon Mr. Taddy vociferated in a savage tone, “Fire away, you young rascal—or I will give you something to erin for.” * Beggars going about with matches are thus denomi- nated, OR, THE MEMOIRS OF A MAN-SERVANT. 1 was astounded and frightened by this sudden change in his mood, and settled myself as soon as possible to continue wr-t ne. “ Ttem,” he continued, ce Mr. Taddy has a Steer dred thousand varieties of Yards of Song for a Penny, all consisting of ballads by the most eminent authors. Item, an inexhaustible supply of Last Dying Speeches and Confessions, with blanks left for the names of the persons who are hanged, and which can readily be stamped in at the shortest possible notice by types in hand for the purpose. Item, several well-trained dogs for blind men, with chains and collars, and warranted to lead safely through the most crowded thorough- fares; including a very clever black terrier, un- commonly savage, and will bite the heels of any one who does.not drop halfpence into the hat. Item, a choiee assortment of wooden legs and crutches. Mr. Taddy will undertake to draw up petitions, sctting forth the most moving narratives of woe and afiliction—likewise begging letters— together with testimonials and recommendations, signed by some of the most eminent persons in the kingdom. Mr. Taddy will undertake to negotiate the sale, hire, or transfer of muddy crossings in great thoroughfares, and will supply brooms at the cheapest rate. He will likewise teach the art of drawing ships in chalk upon the pavement, so as to suit gentlemen who personate shipwrecked mariners. He likewise gives instruc- tions in writing with chalk, so that the student may in three lessons be enabled to write ‘I am starving’ with the greatest ease and facility. Genilemen and ladies having good walks in some parts of the town, and wishing for change of air, may hear of the most eligible beats in other parts of the town, by applying at Mr. Taddy’s office. Gentlemen or ladies in trouble, may obtain wit- nesses cither to speak to character or to prove alibis, on application at the oflice,—the rates of payment varying according to the respectability of appearance which the specific peculiarity of cases may render it needful for the witnesses to pre- sent.” I was so disgusted with the ayocation thus assigned to me, and which I saw to be perfectly serious, that I once more threw down the pen; and starting up from the seat, exclaimed with a firmness which was inspired by indignation and abhorrence, “ You may drive me out to starve in the streets—but I will write no more!” Mr. Taddy likewise sprang up from his chair; but it was to seize my~collar with one hand and his stick with the other. and to commence be- labouring me with all his might and main. I cried out for assistance—but none appeared; and my unmerciful castigator exclaimed, “ You may bawl till you are hoarse, you young raseal: but nobody will come—and Ill be hanged if I don’t reduce you to submission. There now—will you take up the pen again P” “ Never !” I ejaculated, my heart swelling with rage and shame at the treatment I had just experienced. ‘I will leave you:’—and as he had now let me go, I rushed to the door. * Not so fast, my boy!” he said, with a sneer, as he caught me by the arm and pulled me back. “You are as much in my power as if you were my own son; and if you have any more of your nonsense, I'll take you up before a magistrate— EORNIELOOC