Argosy All-Story Weekly — page 167: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

eee | “LIQUOR AN D WOMAN. to the dark basement = the store for at least two years, in walked the representa- tive of an insurance company. He talked life insurance until he got a whiff of old Kern’s breath, then switched to fire nisks and finally burglary protection. When the insurance man finished his song and dance, he had shown the shopkeeper that two thousand dollars paid in at once would make him independently rich should burglars clean him out some evening in the near future. Herbert Kern said he would think it over. He did, drumming on the surface of his boiled white shirt and tugging first at his collar wings, then at his white mustache ends. After a little thinking—not too much—he passed up the insutance and ordered the barrel. Such a simpleton was old Herbert Kern, with a heart as big as the moon and a thirst as big as the moon’s orbit. — III. Mrs. CHARLOTTE Grmns “was. getting the lay of One Hundred and Tenth Street when her eye chanced upon the shop whose win- dow bore the name “ H. Kern.” aristocratic and expensive to her and she thought it worth while to investigate. The Duchess assumed an expensive appearance herself and went inside and asked to see some cigarette holders. The first thing she noticed about old Herbert was that his rather unsteady gait and slowly arriving thoughts indicated that he was steamed up to a degree, more or less. Just between all of us, a person would have had little difficulty in convincing Her- bert Kern that he just had been elected governor or that the world grows better day by day. It was late afternoon and the Duchess estimated that by nightfall the shopkeeper would be in that unhappy state which the irreverent denotes as “‘ pie-eyed.” Her thoughts shaped themselves quickly. - She rather fancied the store and its mer- chandise. Kern sold her an ebony holder, whose jewels were barely perceptible, yet - flashed fire once they were noted. Without a groan she paid its price, ficuring that it was an investment that Scat tee re- turns. = : — Tt looked ~ Are you open evenings?” asked ‘Mrs, = — Gibbs. “Yes, ma’am,” said Kern, siaupiig slight- ly into-a profound bow. | On the way out the Duchess gave one — more glance at the formidable safe under its yellow torch and made a mental resolution to squander no golden minutes. TV. = WHEN alcoholic old Herbert Kern wake: ened next morning and began to grope his _ way out of the fogs to sobriety, the sun was on the top rung of its stepladder and he was in a police station cell. To the un- sophisticated let it be said that going to sleep happy and awakening with inch-thick bars functioning as Swiss window drapes provides a thrill that cannot be withstood — very often. Kern did just what one is expected to do ‘under the circumstances. He went to the door and shouted: “ Hello!” ‘* Hello, yourself!” answered the turn-_ key, appearing from the corridor: = ee = 3o want?” “What am I in for?” Herbert asked, = ~ “Oh, just to sober up. Come on, PI = = take you out to the desk sergeant and he'll return your stuff to you.” In much of a daze Kern confronted the. important blotter sergeant, who rather sus- - pected that his abilities would find a better field for expression were he chief of detec: | tives. What sergeant doesn’t? “ Did I get into a jam or something?” the culprit asked. ‘“No, no,” said the sergeant casually, taking a brier pipe, five matches, a tebacco pouch, cuff links, watch, tie pin and sixty — five cents from a property envelope- and shoving it at Kern. “You were a little oiled up and we locked you up for the night for your own good so you wouldn’t get run — over or anything like that.” Old Herbert hurried from the police sta- tion. He wondered if he or the policemen - had forgotten to lock up his establishment. It worried him because there had been no = | key returned with his other effects. When he got to his shop his worries —— = : : afresh. ‘The: — was in. the door. —— —