Argosy All-Story Weekly, July 11, 1925 — page 160: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

fe yh 5, NON DAA bo ais NY = a = < _ = 4 Ee —— <7 "oa Ee SF; 4 i V y . . __ honors on you. > 314 thing besides baseball, box fights, and the like, things wouldn’t be like they are now.” “And you wouldn’t be voting,” says I. “ But all that aside, why not, just for the present, take an active personal interest in dishing up a few eats? MDinner’s an even hour late at this writing, and I got a busi- ness conference in just thirty minutes.” “‘ Business conference!” snorts the bitter fraction. ‘“ The sort that’s held in a couple of ringside chairs!” With which the lady of the house and lot hangs her hat on the floor, drapes her coat over the chandelier, and sails out in the kitchen. : Such is life in the big leagues. Well, as a general rule, a person’s politi- cal affiliations is something which runs in families like other forms of insanity. And, all by luck and chance, the wife being of the same party as yours truly, why, In spite of the missus taking an active personal ‘interest in public affairs, I guess we would of pulled through till the country was saved again on November 4 without rendering ourselves no more objectionable to the neighbors than usual, if— ' But, of course, there’s always an “ if.” Anyways, one night the wife once more shows up thirty minutes late for chow. So, of course, I am fit to be tied, even if the news she brings with her hadn’t been of a kind which, without further inducements, IL would of cheerfully tossed off a beaker of cyanide, or maybe bit the hand that should of fed me and didn’t. So it seems my highly talented helpmate had been taking such an active personal in- terest in public affairs that this political sextet, of which she is one of the original members, has actually gone to work and put her on a regular committee, no fooling. A committee that was supposed to busy them- selves with hiring speakers for what you call rallies, and the like. “ Fine!” says I with all the enthusiasm with which I might of received the glad news that I had, at the most, six weeks to live. ‘ Onwards and upwards! Keep it up and you'll have Ma Ferguson looking like a regular Alice Sit-by-the-Fire. What’s more, I am now gonna heap still further That’s to say, I take great r ARGOSY-ALLSTORY WEEKLY. pleasure in appointing you a committee of one on—er—refreshments. I got a busi- ness date—” ‘And listen,” interrupts the wife, with- out so much as a word of acknowledgment in regards to the fresh honors I have thrust upon her. ‘“ Do you know, Jim, when they put me on that committee, the first thing I thought was: ‘What a chance for Horace!’ ” For dear old Rutgers! “Horace!” I yelps. D’ye mean to say—” “ Flyin’ catfish! But at this extremely critical point, in - the event that he is a perfect stranger to you—which I only wish he was equally so to myself—just a few kind words in regards to one Horace J. Hooper. Horace, then, I regret to say, is a rela- tive of mine by what I call the fortunes of war. That’s to say, he’s the wife’s brother. In the case that you are personally not posted in respects to these sometimes baf- fling marital relationships, if I know what I mean, will say that, according to the best legal authorities, this makes Horace occupy the highly responsible position of brother- in-law in relation to myself. Or in other words, as I lose no opportunity to point out, Horace is merely a relative of mine by law as distinguished from justice. _ Now, from the foregoing, you have no doubt been ablé to grasp the fact that I have personally got about as much use for this synthetical relative of mine as a fish has for a lifeguard. At any rate, we'll say so. However, owing to the fact that my vari- ous and sundry reasons for objecting loud- ly to Horace are much too humorous to mention, why, for the present, anyways, I will merely say that I chiefly take excep- tion to Mr. Hooper on the grounds that he occupies the same relation to language that Edison does to electricity. Or in other words, while, of course, language existed before the advent of Horace J. Hopper into this dizzy world, nevertheless, there is posi- tively no disputing the fact that Horace is the bimbo that put it to work. All of which is just another way of say- ing that my charming wife’s delightful rela- tive, Mr. Horace J. Hooper, is the undis- — :