Argosy All-Story Weekly, April 18, 1925 — page 169: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE BUSTED MONOPOLY. more than plainly that all they desired was to be let alone abundantly and not probed. The first clew was contributed by a for- eigner who could neither read nor write. He shuffled into headquarters holding his contused mandible tenderly with his left hand while he conversed eloquently with his right. A card in his right hand caught offi- cial attention and was wrested from the palm between gestures. A neat card it was, and white, about the size of a lady’s calling card. It was orna- mented by hand, a black border done in heavy ink, with the outline of a Red Cross nurse in the upper right hand corner. The message was typewritten and stated itself bluntly: Nobody but a dirty pig would throw melon rinds and bologna scraps all over our pretty parks. Enlightened, stimulated, the police cor- raled again a number of other victims of the unknown criminal and commanded them to produce their cards. The majority of the victims denied they had seen any cards; blushing as they denied it. Others confessed to the cards; but failed to recall the message. Five were induced to dig the cards out of their pockets. These five cards were associated with recitals of assaults so similar in detail that every one, even the news reporters, agreed the crimes were the work of a lone adventurer, not a gang. The police records afford the fol- lowing: : (1) John Kornig, banker, was alighting from a street car at Thirty-first and Walnut when a lanky young man in a slouch hat stepped close and handed him acard. He read: ‘‘ Nobody but a lazy boar would keep his seat for twenty blocks and let an old lady stand.” ‘Then the sky broke to pieces and fell down on him. He was positive his assailant used a mallet. No, he didn’t see any mallet. No, he wasn’t robbed. No, it wasn’t true that he had let an aged lady stand. If a lady was standing in the car, he hadn’t seen her. (2) Toad Bulger, café keeper, was standing in the doorway of his own kitchen, when a lanky stranger in a dark slouch hat rounded the corner of the building and 319 thrust a card at him. Toad was a slow reader, and went to the floor before he com- pleted the announcement: “ Nobody but a nasty tobacco worm would employ cooks that chew tobacco.” No, he didn’t see any mallet. No, he didn’t employ cooks that chewed. His kitchen was inspected. (3) Mrs. Isaac Fronck, 1223 Mole Street, was on her way home from a musi- cal entertainment, when a man, whose dimensions she could not make out in the shadow of the elm trees, approached her and said, ‘‘ Pardon me.” He extended a card. “ What’s this for?” she asked him. “T can’t read it here.” Then he slapped her, a stinging wallop on the side of her face, and vanished before she could scream for assistance. She perused the card under an arc light: “Nobody but a cackling old hen would buzz and jabber during a music recital that other people were trying to hear.’ No, it wasn’t true. She didn’t buzz and jabber. She had merely been tell- ing Mrs. Goldfoil about cousin Sarah’s boy, Jacob, who was going to Europe or some- where to study music if the price of cotton goods kept up and his father could sell last year’s stock at a premium. But as for bothering anybody at the performance, that was a falsehood and an insult. She had hardly spoke two words. (4) Jack Alleck, office clerk, was egress- ing from a down town building in broad day- light when some one slipped a card into his vest pocket and gave him a bust on the liver that sank him gasping to the sidé- walk while a crowd gathered around. It was minutes before he could explain what had happened. His card declared: “No- body but an unabridged jackass would smoke in a crowded elevator, already nauseating from its lack of air.’ Well, maybe he had forgotten to throw away his pill when he squeezed into the elevator car; he didn’t exactly remember. Like the other victims he admitted to his secret soul that he probably would remember next time. (5) Frank Mowth, post office employee, told a man with a set mouth and a sharp nose under a slouch hat how to address his mail. The other clerks picked Frank up in a groggy condition and doctored his bleed- ing nose. On the shelf was a card: “ No- COMIC OOO KS (E)