The Argosy for May — page 146: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

SOMETHING The game got kind of interesting, and I watched her eat as though I enjoyed it. She urged me to take something ; and Joe was looking, so I took a little lobster salad just to keep her company. It was all I could do to keep from picking up the dish and letting it all down my mouth at once, I was that hungry. Well, you know, all good things come to an end, and mine came with a sudden shock. : The waiter tiptoed around to my side and whispered in my ear: “It’s Saturday afternoon, and I wait out in Fort George in a hotel over Sun- day; would you please pay your bill now, so I can get away?” | Well, there was nothing to do but pay, and very little to pay with. With my best thousand-dollar air, I reached into my pocket and _ said: “ Certainly, gargon.” Of course, he thought I was the real goods. I even deceived myself for a minute. But only a minute. I felt again. My wallet was not there. Then I searched in my other pockets. Nothing doing. Meanwhile, the waiter was waiting, which, being his business, didn’t worry me much; but I caught sight of Joe looking at me out of the tail of his eye, and Mabel was toying with her fork and looking kind of fussed. Then I remembered suddenly that I had left the three bills at home on the cards, when the sudden inspiration came to go out and look up that old _ bar- keep friend. I told the waiter about it, and he smiled, as though he had heard the story before. -Maybe he had, for it’s one of my best. I didn’t know what to do, so I didn’t do anything. Then it occurred to me to call the head waiter. He came and looked me over. It was a careful scrutiny. I felt as though I were taking. a civil-service examina- tion in bluffing, and was about to have my examination-paper marked sixteen, on the basis of one hundred points. I told him my story, too. I’d have FOR NOTHING. dod told it to the priest. The only weak point in it was that I knew what the wallet contained, and they didn’t. “T’ve had too much of this around here,” he told me at length, looking me over carefully. ‘I don’t cater to the trade of the sporting fraternity, anyway, and [ think the best thing you can do is to wait peacefully until I call up the patrol.” I thought wildly of Joe. Then J de- cided in a hurry that [’d rather go to the station than borrow money of him. Suddenly I caught sight of my ring. I had forgotten all about that. - Pulling the diamond off, I assumed my most haughty manner and remarked: “Possibly you will be willing to keep this as a deposit until I return with the cash for this trifling lunch?” It killed him. I could hear his last breath as he passed away. Taking the ring, he started a series of bowings and pardonings. I began to think I was king of the South Sea Islands and that I was hiring him just to do that. I got so forgiving and generous all of a sudden that I had a mind te- give the waiter half my kingdom as a tip. But just then the throne fell. Possibly you never heard a _ throne fall. I never did before. They make an uproarious crash. You see, this was how it was: . Joe de Free had heard part of the argument and noticed me offering the diamond as security. I had seen him making for the table on a gallop, but I figured he only wanted to lend me money. What was my surprise when he butted in and grabbed the ring, at the same time yelling: “It’s a phony diamond. It ain’t worth fifteen cents. They make ’em over in Connecticut and sell ’em by the barrel; they buy ’em down on the Bow- ery by the bushel, and you can get ’em anywhere by the peck.” That finished me. I waited patiently for somebody to come along and carry out the remains on a stretcher. I knew it would be me. Who else could it be? My head hit what used to be my chest, and I gave one groan as I looked at Mabel. (EO) .OOkK (CO)