Argosy All-Story Weekly, October 7, 1922 — page 174: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

320 ARGOSY-ALLSTORY WEEKLY. In football the brains is used by the football coachman, which he is on the side- lines, and when he wants to tell the team to hurry up and make it a touch-it-down, he sends in a substitutioner to tell the captain to tell the fullbacker to smesh through the center rusher for a ten-yard gain. Of course it is supposed that the coachmen should teach the footballers to think for themselufs, but from my personal obserwation you couldn’t teach a footballer to think, on account he ain’t got nothing to think with or he wouldn’t be playing football. He would be hendling freight, which they would pay him good money for it. Maybe there is brains in tennis, too, but I don’t know who has got them, on account the tennisers ain’t got no menegers or coachmen to told them how they should bet the ball. It couldn’t be that the tennisers have them themselufs on account they are always hopping around on one leg and chumping into the air like a gress- hopper, and a gresshopper ain’t got so much brains as a mosquito, because the mos- quito is always trying to light somewhere and have a little lunch. Even a flea would stood still once in a while. In goluf there is lots of brains on account you got to be good with arithmetics, especially in substrection, on account the game is so funny that the less you got the more chence you got to win the pot. I could be a good golufer if I would take the time, on account you ought to seen how I made the books belence pretty small when the feller from the incoming and outgoing texes came to look them over. He said to me: “Izzy, you almost got me conwinced that the government owes you money instead you owe the government money.” It took brains to strike it that belence. You would think that the only sporting business where they wouldn’t need no brains would be wrestling, on account them fellers is taking up so much room for their muscles that they wouldn’t have no room for no brains. But even in that business they got to have a little bit of brains, on account they got to remember which feller’s turn it is to win. If the wrong feller wins out of his turn all the booking for the wrestling champeenships gets mixed up, and they loose a lot of money, so they always have to remember not to forget. . Also in the race-horsing business a jockier has to use it his head a whole lot or the fellers who is publishing the books about the betting would fail in their business when the wrong horse should come in. Horses couldn’t do the thinking themselufs, on account you couldn’t train a horse so good, and a lot of things could delay a horse in a race. I played one of them wunst, and they told me that something delayed him. In box fighting the meneger should never told the fighter to use his head. Wunst I seen a meneger who hollered at his fighter: “ Use your head.” The fighter right away butted the other feller with his head and was disqualificationed for fouling. That is the only thing that he knew how to use his head for, to butt with it. A lot of people don’t know that the head is sometimes used for thinking with. ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS Ase CoHEN—In my opinion the nicest present for a little boy five years old would be a second-hend cash register. When you are amoosing the children it is also a nice ideer that they should be amoosing themselufs in a useful way. Benny Leonard, which he is the champeen lightweight, could punch a cash register long before he could punch anybody else, and he is still doing it. Next week Izzy Kaplan will comment apon THE DUTIES OF A MANAGER. comicboooks 1e@