The Mysteries of London; or, Lights and Shadows of London Life — page 165: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

——_ ee ee - — “uiestTs AND ‘SHADOWS OF oF LONDON LIFE. would be efficially instituted on the following morning during a meeting at which he was required to attend, and where he was expected to give an account of the manner in which the missing sums had been appro- priated. This amount, which he had subtracted for his own use at a time when he required the employment of it for some special purpose, he had constantly intended to have replaced before the deficit was detected; but now the critical period had arrived, he knew that it was beyond his power. Ruin, complete and inevitable ruin, thus menaced him on every side, and the horror of being exposed, the idea of having to undergo a trial, and the fear of being punished for his iniquities, contributed to heighten the appalling terrors of his situation. That night he might rest perhaps in peace, but the morning would dawn upon him a man without a hope, without a home, without a charaeter. The great purpose to which he had dedicated an existence of intrigue, chicanery, and falsehood, was now bafiled by the recoil of all his scheming on himself, and the utmost application which he bestowed upon the sub- ject failed to show him one loophole by which he could escape from the perils that surrounded him, one clue by which he could extricate himself from his embarrassments, Once or twice the thought of suicide occurred to him, for he dreaded the ordeal through which, in ano- ther twelve hours, he would have to pass, and he felt that his courage was not equal to the task of brazen- ing out his guilt. Then he hesitated at the idea of making away with himself, as he reflected on the extreme torments he might have to undergo in case ne failed in his attempt, and how he might linger for days in his agony, the bodily pain being augmented by the mental sufferings. Besides, he who had never thought of death, he who now felt himself so unfit to die, trembled at the risk of that Future to which he was about to appeal. With his mind almost mad- dened by the conflicting impulses that rese within him, kis brain heated with the ideas that presented themselves relative to the utter destruction of his reputation, he rose from his seat, pressed his hand madly against his heated brow, and paced furiously up and down the apartment to allay the excitement that was raging in his breast. It was now dusk, and he rang for candles, passing out of the room as he did so to his apartment up stairs, so that his servant might net see the change in his countenance, that he feit was visible. His wife, from whom perhaps he would have gladly es- caped on any cendition; as he dreaded the impetuous outbreak of her violent temper when she came to learn the failure of all his projects, had gone that day to town; and it was a relief that he appreciated, to be spared the additional annoyance of her presence. Having thus no other person in the house but himself, with the exception of the servant, he knew, if-he could nerve himself for the suicidal act he con- templated, that he should be able to accomplish it without interruption; but still he shrank from its commission, He opened the drawers in his bed- room, leoked at some old papers that were contained therein, and then re-closed them without removing one. He drew aside the curtain of the window, gazed down into the road, and followed with apparent interest a passing omnibus, till it had rolled on beyond his sight. Then, equally indifferent and mo- tiveless in his actions, he flung open the window, and listlessly watched the passengers wandering whither they might be bound, and the nature of the business — << = - _— — - — — — ~- a ~~ Sse - 159 that called them forth. But the cool air that poured in failed to assuage the sultry heat that seemed to glow around his face like the blast of a heated fur- nace; and he flung down the casement after a long and vacant stare on the passing throng, and started from his reverie like one who has been haunted by a dream. Dashing his hand into the cold water, and laving the hot brow, the heat of which appeared to become momentarily more intense as he pondered on the perils of his position, he strove to quench the feverish burn- ing that was within; but the temporary coolness that was imparted speedily became followed by more acute sufferings, and’even the temperature of the water he had used was perceptibly increased after the ablution, He felt a fire consuming him; his blood seemed to be molten lava, sluggishly throbbing through his veins; his pulse exhibited a rapid movement, whose beats might have been counted a hundred to the minute, and yet still the fatal consequences of the morrow were more vividly arrayed before his eyes than if he had remained ceol and collected. His hand, that had before involuntarily traversed the surface of his toilet- table, now again sought for something in the same direction, and fastened itself upon a small parcel that was there deposited. It was a case of pocket-pistols, that he remembered to have bought the preceding day, for no especial object that he knew of, but they had tempted his eye as they glittered in the shop window, and, with a childish fancy, he had become their purchaser. They were loaded too, for he had asked the shopman to perform that office for him, so that he might test their. power at a shooting-gallery close by, the proprietor of which he knew. Other things had occupied his at- tention soon afterwards, and diverted him from his original purpose ; but there were the pistols ready for use; and the whim that had seized him to buy the instruments thus appeared to have arisen, as it were, from a presentiment that he might shortly have to require their aid. He had never closely examined them since they had been bought; and now the thought occurred to him that he would take them down to the parlour and scrutinise their workman- ship. As quickly as the suggestion presented itself he put it into practice, and descending with the case, he returned to the room where he had been before seated, and which had, during his absence, received additional illumination from a couple of candles placed upon the centre table. The curtains were drawn in folds over the window, so as to exclude all observation from without; a pro- found silence reigned unbroken throughout the house. It was but the snapping of one of these pistols, and he possessed the power of freeing himself from his accusers. He had a choice of two modes of action, and he must imperatively adopt one course or the other. On the one side was certain exposure, ruin, and punishment, the_jgnominy of which was more painful to him than its severity; on the other was death, a sure release from all that he feared in this world ; and of that which was to follow, the deep mystery had yet to be fathomed. He would risk the unknown to escape the known fate that awaited him, and accept the more effectual, though in reality the more terrible, alternative. With his nerves strung to the performance of the dreadful deed he contemplated, his face pale as ashes, and lips rigidly compressed, he drew his chair opposite the looking-glass, and, with a pistol in each hand, planted the cold orifice of each tube against his temples. eon 7 - a -_ Ss oe lOO eS) (El)