Argosy All-Story Weekly — "Sea Marauders" — page 101: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

. ae TS eRe KNOCKED OUT WHERE THE WEST BEGINS. and look over a copy of the Times- Star. After scanning the latest mur- ders, scandals, and other unappetizing whoop-la, I turned to the movie page and read the following reviw: If the folks enjoy seeing the best burlesque of Western movies ever filmed, the Alcazar Theater should be playing to standing room for many weeks to come. “Whispering Cactus,” which had its premiére last evening, convulsed the large audience with genuine laughter. Bessie Barrow, a newcomer to the screen, demonstrated very expertly that she is a natural actress. As to Two- Punch Simpson, middlewcight cham- pion of the world, his portrayal of Sheriff Buckaroo Murphy was rather weird. As an actor, it is this re- viewer's opinion that Mr. Simpson should confine his acting to the roped arena. The story was written by one Willie Sims, evidently a new addition to the ranks of comedy scenarists. Without a single wisecrack, I pass the paper over to Two-Punch, and point out the review. He reads it over and grins broadly. “Well, what about it, apes ?” he says, sarcastically. “On, nothing, <1 retorts quite calmly. “Only I thought you was producing a _ hotsy-totsy Western drama.” “ Drama—blaah!’’ he hoots. ‘‘ Why, you clown, J knew it was a comedy all the time!’ Comb that out of your whiskers! “ Undoubtedly,” I says, not wishing to rub it in further. ‘‘ Meanwhile, how about accepting Logan’s offer to exchange wallops with Hit-and-Run Harris?” “Jake with me,” he says. “I'll start training right after the—er— honeymoon.” “For Pete’s sake!’ I yells, “ have you done now?” “You should ought to keep up with the news,” he says, with a well-bred yawn right in my face. “Me and Bessie was married last evening. So what ae = Siete E TS ae zie! 7 — Big es go ee Sr oe aes Pi gei 523 you see, wise guy, J got something worth while out of the fillum, after Before I have time to think up a snappy rejoinder, the door snaps open, and Bessie Barrow and Willie Sims dash in, both beaming like Florida sunsets. “Guess what?” demanded Bessie, giving her caveman a peck on the cheek. “Yeah,” adds» Willie, “ just iry and guess what!” “ Upset the beans,” I suggests. “ His lordship ain’t in no condition for heavy thinking.” “TI have just signed a contract with Beautiful Pictures to do three five-reel comedies!” ejaculates Mrs. Two-Punch Simpson. “And I,” says Willie, “ have signed up to write *em!”’ “Tke Smith,” goes on Bessie, “ said he saw ‘Whispering Cactus’ and liked our work. Isn’t it just wo-derful?” Keep your seats; the worst is yet to come. a A FEW days later, whilst I was strolling down Hollywood Boulevard, I bump into Lloyd Lorraine, the jovial director. “Hello, burglar,” I greets pleasant- ly, “how’s things breaking? You sure milked my battling beauty, and I don’t mean [ just reckon so!” “Well, what would you?” he grins. * However, I am going to write him a letter to-night and explain everything fully.” “T don’t think he needs any explana- tion,’ I says. ‘ He is aware of the fact that he spent twenty thousand bucks to earn ten, and that his great Western drama turned out to be a great Western comedy.” “ Brother,” he says, know the half of it!” “Just what d’yer mean?” I asks. “Tt couldn’t be any worse, could it?” “Tt could and it was. Come over on the bench and sit down; [ll make “you don’t eonuleh gers s. com. —